And it still makes me wonder how something like this could have happened to someone so young. He barely had begun to live. He just graduated high school…his life was just starting. His family seemed to have come to terms with it. His mom held me and comforted me. If I were his mother I would probably cry for days. I take death worse than most. I know everyone says that no one takes death well…but I take it especially hard. Ever since the loss of my grandparents I haven’t been the same. Just looking at death…it’s hard to come to terms with. Death terrifies me. People say you shouldn’t fear death because when it’s your time, it’s just your time. But I can’t accept that. I have so much more that I want to accomplish in life. I want to get married…have kids and watch them grow. I want to grow old with Chris. I’m sure my outlook on death will change when I’m old and gray because I will have lived my life. But even then I wouldn’t want to miss seeing my grandchildren grow.

The way that he died is also what has me so upset. I can’t imagine the feeling of drowning, that feeling of not being able to breath. And THEN to be his family and find him washed up on the shore line. I try to imagine what he must have looked like…blue probably I guess. I’m so terrified by death and yet I’m can’t help but wonder what he looked like under that casket cover. What is wrong with me? I know that if it had been open casket I probably would have been a lot worse off than what I was. I cried so hard…it just doesn’t seem right. It’s not fair. Why him? Why now? And why did he have to go the way he did? Why couldn’t he have just gone in his sleep? I guess he wouldn’t have made as much of an impact if he went that way. It was in his character to go saving someone. He was so selfless that he didn’t think of his own safety. And now we’re all left with this void and questions of what ifs. What if he had a life jacket on? What if they would have just called the coast guard? What if he could have grabbed on to a log or something? What if they would have gotten to him sooner? What if he would have not freaked out and just swam sideways out of the current? What if…what if…what if his friends called someone else for help? Would that person have suffered the same fate? Was it just meant for Ryan to go? I’m trying to accept it…but I have so many questions. Questions for God? Of course…and yet we’re not supposed to question his great plan for us. Maybe this was Ryan’s plan. This has made probably the biggest impact on my life than anything else I’ve ever experienced aside from losing my Grandfather.